Dramatis Personae
Boris Johnson - The Prime Minister
Dominic Cummings - His Senior Advisor
A room in Downing Street - afternoon.
Boris Johnson: Ah – yes – Dom – excellent – need to SPEAK to you, quantocius quantotius, as it were, on a matter of some import. Thing is, old chap, YOU know, and I know, that spaffing off up the old M1 to Durham IS NOT, ipso facto, so to speak, ORDINARILY a hanging offence, BUT, you know, in these troubled times, as one might say, and indeed have said, aspectus omnium.
WITH Jezzer at the dispatch box, I'd have been quite happy to go with the old 'quod est necessarium est licitum' defence OR EVEN, 'quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi', and I would be distinctly nolle prosequi and tell the chicken-frit buggers where they GET OFF.
BUT – and I'm afraid I do have a BIG BUT, these are not normal times. Thing is, now that the filly HAS dropped the sprog, I've got to hold down a steady job to keep the mon flowing in - nervos belli, pecuniam infinitam, as they say – not that I'm anticipating starting a war at the mo, but WHO KNOWS? (!!)… Now, what was I saying – AH – yes.
With brother Starmer standing oppo, I have to put on a BIT of a show, and without the ululatum exercitus populique multi tecum behind me giving it a bit of the old 'Get Covid GONE' I'm concerned that I'm not coming over TOO WELL – Carrie's mother says it's sort of less 'Churchill' and more 'Denis the Menace on hydroxychloroquine'... So – where was I going – AH – yes, now, got it, right.
WHAT IT IS, is this - senior chums IN the party are baying for blood and, gratias Deo, NOT mine… So AH, not to – ah - rubum circa beat – it's time for you to – ah - GO. Still, nil desperandum and all that, and I'll be happy to sign off the old charta pardonationis utlagariae and - ah - Deo volente – we'll SOON get you fructus usu.
Dominic Cummings: Boris – you do realise that by going to Durham and picking bluebells and visiting that boring bloody castle and all the rest (at great personal risk to everyone I encountered, I might add) I have now given the rest of the country carte blanche to say "Stuff it, if it's good enough for Cummings, it's good enough for me" and to start to dismantle the lockdown?
AND – and this is the fiendishly clever bit, and why you pay me the pecunias multas - they'll be doing it entirely of their own volition, without one word of guidance or instruction from you! So pubs and nail salons and jigsaw shops will open, people will take their holidays, the economy will start to recover, you'll get to try your 'herd immunity' idea and, WHEN that kills off a load of wrinklies AND we get a second spike AND another 50,000 dead in the winter, you can tell the country "It's not my fault – you didn't follow the advice or use common sense and you clearly didn't stay alert".
Boris Johnson: Cripes! Do you know Dom – I think even I might have underestimated you - hand me my chequebook…
End
